interview | caylee cowan

top. Bonia
button down shirt. Radica Studio
earrings. Hefang

Caylee Cowan is a dreamer. A big one, to tell the truth, and I suppose she might agree on this. It’s in the words she says, and it’s in her confidence. Cowan is now working on a secret (yet exciting) film project, which is still keeping her up many sleepless nights but is worth pursuing, no matter the cost. “It’s very personal (…) I wish I could just tell you all about it.”

She’s also a giver, interested in unconditional love(s), always ready to provide and never expecting more in return. “I would rather stay true to who I am and get hurt a little bit, unless the doors open up and I find people who love like me and return this feeling, instead of just completely stop loving. I’d rather have love destroy me in the end; I’d rather keep going until I’m broke and finally see the thing come to fruition. That is how I live in all capacities of my life,” the 28-year-old actress confides.

Speaking to Schön!, Cowan opens up about her own understanding of love, the way she copes with failures, how she tries to find balance in the film industry, and explains why a conversation between a dad and a son from ‘Call Me by Your Name’ is, indeed, a poignant and remarkable moment. 

corset top. DEFAÏENCE
shorts. Bergie
jewellery. PK Bijoux
opposite
dress. Scarlett Gasque

I’ve heard you have this film you’ve been working on for so long, but you can’t really talk that much about it. Although I bet you want to.

Well, I guess I can tell something at least, though it hasn’t been announced at all. It’s a very personal project. It’s a film that has three different timelines (and even more) and relies on many layers, as we try to tell a story about generational trauma. It’s about how we carry pain and how it can continue to inflict pain on other people if it’s not addressed and resolved.

Why do you call it personal?

The main reason is that I’m making it with a lot of people with whom I have deep relationships. I always love when a film feels like a family to me. And this one is actually my family. 

It seems like a project you have been really waiting for.

Yes, but not in the form that it was delivered to me in a standard way. Instead, I was waiting for it in this “stubborn, I’m not giving up on this” way. We’ve been looking for financing and have also gone through both losing and recasting the actress. It was like taking every single blow possible and saying: “No, it’s still going to happen!” It’s not as simple as just auditioning and having a sudden breakthrough. 

Did you feel like you’re never gonna finish it?

All the time, I suppose, for like two years, even three at this point. And, my partner, who is a director, has already sacrificed years on this! But it’s a genre movie, so it’s difficult to find other people who will be willing to trust you on this, even if a lot of them get excited by the concept. I wish I could just tell you all about it, so let me be cautious [Laughs].

Working in the film industry is a rough road, like one from Dorothea Lange’s photographs. We often talk about success, but are mostly ashamed of all the failures, which are an integral part of this job, as you even say now. How do you cope with that? 

When I was younger, my failures were an indicator of who I was. I took all of them personally, and I was sort of alone in this pain. Yet, as I got older, I’ve looked around and realised that everyone is failing at something and carrying the very same feeling. There’s this quote from Gabriel García Márquez, which says: “How will I ever get out of this labyrinth!” And life sometimes feels like this. Even if you’re winning, there’s always some suffering in it. It’s such a paradox in a way, and understanding that allows you to enjoy the process and not only focus on the goal. It allows you not to treat failure on such a personal note. Then you start realising that, for instance, the reason you did not get a role you were dreaming of might not actually be your fault. There are always hundreds of external reasons we don’t really know about. You have to harden yourself.

full look. Reformation
earrings. Zoila
opposite
top. Bonia
button down shirt. Radica Studio
earrings. Hefang

Do you remember the moment when you managed to do it and change your attitude?

I’m still looking for ways to do it. Life is cyclical: you think you’ve learned something, but you’re gonna keep learning it in just different ways and forms, as it’s a repetitive process. The pain is still going to come up, and the things that trigger you will always affect your inner self. You just realise how to deal with it differently. My default way to cope with all of this is just to love. When I feel like I’m judged by something or someone and can’t seem to understand them, I just try to give some love. That’s it, unconditional love. The easiest way to connect with someone is to empathise with them. This is when you start understanding where something is coming from, and it stops hurting you that much. 

Shoot me with an example.

When I don’t get a role, I empathise because I’ve been a producer and I know how it works from the other side. There are so many factors when it comes to casting that you can’t treat it as the end of the world. Realizing this gives you a new perspective, which eases the whole feeling of hurt. That’s when it can become a healing experience. Movies are like this, by the way. The pain that we carry as artists is often put into art. It’s a language to communicate between people who may struggle.

Do you feel like you’re losing yourself because you’re giving more than you receive?

I do feel that. I never know if I’m gonna get something back; it’s always a leap of faith. But it’s all about giving. Sometimes, it says more about the person who is sharing the love, as it shows who they really are. It’s not like you suddenly stop it – it’s just not in your nature. I would rather stay true to who I am and get hurt a little bit, unless the doors open up and I find people who love like me and return this feeling, instead of just completely stopping loving. I’d rather have love destroy me in the end; I’d rather keep going until I’m broke and finally see the thing come to fruition. That is how I live in all capacities of my life. 

“We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything – what a waste!” Does that ring a bell?

‘Call Me by Your Name,’ I do remember it. It’s such a stunning scene – Elio was so young, and he feels all of this so intensely, while his dad tries to give him some guidance and prepare him that, once he’s older, he is still gonna keep losing himself. I always believed there is some beauty in it: whenever you lose part of yourself, you’re always ending up picking the part of someone else, who has recently been around. Then, you start carrying it with you. It’s like being in a long-term relationship with someone: you actively try to make it work and, at some point, become intertwined by (and with) each other. But you are no longer the same person you were once you’ve started being together. 

Again, one paradox after another.

It’s the act of deciding to know someone honestly and fully, so you can both read each other’s minds. However, as human beings, we are full of secrets. We are afraid to tell some of them, because we are scared that our partners are going to leave us. When you finally can open up, and the secrecy is over, and those people stay no matter what, it can be very healing. To exist in that place, it’s really beautiful. 

dress. Scarlett Gasque
shoes. Francesca Bellavita
opposite
corset top. DEFAÏENCE
jewellery. PK Bijoux

Are you full of secrets? I’m thinking about this idea of an interview, which is a funny one, as we are both – to some extent – pretending to help each other. Who am I talking to today? Is that the real you, or are you wearing a mask because you don’t want to reveal the true you to the public?

Let’s be honest: I’ve just met you! I haven’t asked you any questions about yourself, which I would probably do in any other circumstances, as I am always trying to be interested in other people. Regardless, there is a power imbalance now, as you want to unearth this so-called truth about me, and I am willing to open up, as that’s the main convention of the interview. But if we weren’t on Zoom and we had a completely normal talk, I would give something from my end. 

I don’t necessarily know if we can say that our conversation is staged, but it’s an act, at least to some extent. 

And we only have thirty minutes, right? That being said, I’m trying to be as honest and open with you as possible [Laughs]. But I always feel like I’m wearing some sort of mask. It’s like a process with people: it takes time to take it off; firstly, you need to trust someone. Everyone is wearing one, I think.

Do you have a place in which you can, without any fear, take off your mask(s)? Or do you always feel like you have to pretend and be someone else depending on the circumstances?

In my case, it’s not about a place, but people who surround me. There are only a few of them in whose presence I can be fully myself. There are some actresses I’m friends with, and my partner, Casey, who belong to this category. They allow me to feel safe. And let’s be honest, there are always going to be topics around which I will be wearing masks. One of them is my family life, which is not necessarily normal and seems unrelatable to many people. This is why I’m very cautious about it when I meet someone and this topic somehow comes up. There is no family home for me to which I may return, so I had to create one from the people who surround me.

How come?

Whenever I’m working on a film, I always hope we can become a family on set. Or when I’m making a new friend, I wish that I’m gonna get close to them and we will become a small clan. I am always searching for that feeling of family. And I don’t feel like I’ve ever fully had it.

Is it difficult for you to create this sense of trust with others?

I’m usually very trusting, but I just remain cautious, as not everybody has good intentions, right? As an actress, there are ways I’ve been able to communicate parts of myself authentically through my characters, and maybe work on this sense of trust both as an actress and also as a human being. This is when I’m fully telling the truth about my life, but, simultaneously, I’m not saying that this is my life.

Do you steal a lot from your characters?

Remember when we were talking about Elio and the idea of losing a part of yourself? It’s similar to my characters. When you create an on-screen role, you basically come up with another version of yourself. In this process, I am amplifying the parts of me that are not as big and toning down the more visible bits. 

This procedure enriches you, but you’re also, just like Elio, unguarded and ready to lose something within you.

When I’m entrenched in the character, I’m thinking about them constantly. Later, there are different outcomes. Some of the roles always find a way to get out of me. I am fully sending the character away, and that is possible. But take, for instance, the role I’ve been working on. That’s the person I feel I would like to be more like, so the dynamics suddenly change. There is a difference between “this is me uninhabited” and “this is me growing into something I want to stay with me forever.” It always depends on the circumstances.

full look. Reformation
shoes. Thália
earrings. Zoila

photography. Emilynn Rose
fashion. Georgie Stuart
talent. Caylee Cowan
hair. TerraRose Puncerelli
make up. Ash K Holm
retouch. Ana Vakhitova
production. Kelsey Barnes
photography assistant. Caroline Brodt + Marissa Cortes
fashion assistant. Kailani Coleman
interview. Jan Tracz